


Seeking Comfort

by rewritethestarsxxx



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24291085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rewritethestarsxxx/pseuds/rewritethestarsxxx
Summary: Takes place after 21x10 - Must Be Held Accountable. Sonny Carisi offers comfort to Amanda Rollins after Bucci holds her hostage, and she hesitantly accepts it. Written as a one-shot, but maybe it will become more.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Amanda Rollins, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 11
Kudos: 78





	Seeking Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> I have had this written for a while, and a few of my friends encouraged me to post it. I hope you enjoy!

“I got you,” Carisi spoke as he slowly ran circles on Amanda’s back with one hand and held her head with the other. He was almost frightened by the way she broke down in front of him. Amanda was tough, fierce, and she barely let her guard down. Carisi knew about her past and had seen her survive turmoil, but she still struggled to be vulnerable. He didn’t dwell on it, but rather he savored every second she accepted his comfort.

Carisi held Rollins as close to him as he could until the elevator reached the ground level.

Ding.

Rollins pulled back from Carisi and hastily wiped the tears that continued to fall. Her skin was red, her lip was quivering, and her eyes started puffing as she spoke with a shaky breath. “I-I can drive m-myself.” She couldn’t get herself calm.

“Like hell you are. I’m bringing you home and helping you get settled.” Rollins was too drained to argue. Carisi kept a protective hand on her back for the duration of the walk from the elevator to the passenger side of his car. To his surprise, she didn’t try to pull away. She leaned in closer.

For the short duration of their walk, Carisi kept thinking about what he would have done without Rollins if she didn’t make it out alive. She had been his partner for five years. He helped her take care of Jesse when she was a baby. To Carisi, the sun rose and set with Rollins. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing her without confessing how he felt. The thought made him even more protective.

“There you go,” Carisi said as he opened the passenger side for her. As Rollins climbed into his sedan, she quickly buckled herself in before beginning to absentmindedly bite her nails. “You ready?” He spoke so softly, as if not to startle her. Normally Rollins would be frustrated by someone so worried about her. She was physically and mentally exhausted and actually liked someone being so gentle with her.

During the ride to Amanda’s apartment, the pair sat in silence as soft music from the radio filled the car. Amanda stared blankly out the window and was entranced by her thoughts about the most recent events. She couldn’t stop imagining her babies at home and the fear of never seeing them again. She also thought about her team and how guilty she felt for lying to them about getting professional help. _Why the fuck can’t I be honest with them_ , she thought to herself. Most of all, she thought about Carisi. A few weeks ago, she exploded at him in the squad room. Ever since then they had been walking on eggshells around each other. She thought she had ruined their relationship. Tonight proved that to be untrue.

“Manda,” Carisi said softly, pulling Rollins out of her thoughts. Her body warmed and butterflies flapped at the sound of her nickname rolling off his tongue in his thick accent. “We’re here.” She looked up at him but quickly averted her eyes from his. She knew she could breakdown any second and wanted to hold up her tough persona as much as she could.

The pair exited the car and hurried up to her apartment. She wasn’t talking to Cianna for 5 minutes before Jesse came running down the hall in her pajamas. “Momma!” The tiny Amanda mini-me leaped into her mother’s arms as Sonny watched in awe. He missed the time he used to spend in Amanda’s apartment with Jesse, who had been growing more each time he saw her.

“Hi baby,” Amanda said softly as she held her oldest close to her. “I missed you so much, Jess,” she whispered into Jesse’s ear as a lump began to form in her throat. She couldn’t help but begin to shed tears as she held her baby. Adjusting Jesse in her arms so she was perched on her hip, Amanda pointed at Sonny. “Look who’s here,” she said, trying to muster up as much excitement as possible.

“Hi Uncle Sonny,” Jesse said quietly and wrapped her arms more tightly around her mom. Amanda was a little shocked at her daughter’s reaction. She was typically so eager to see any of her aunts and uncles from the squad, especially Sonny. However, Amanda knew the older her daughter got, the harder it was for her to be away from her mother for so long.

“Hi Jess,” Sonny said, reaching out to ruffle the young girl’s hair, eliciting a quiet giggle from her. “Were you good for Cianna?”

“Mhhm.”

Through the turmoil of the last day, Rollins was able to find peace in two of the three most important people to her. For a second, she didn’t think about what she had experienced with Frank Bucci “Let’s get you to bed,” Amanda said to her daughter.

After a wave of goodbyes and goodnights, Jesse and Billie were sound asleep in their room. Amanda closed the door where she was met with Carisi on her couch, flipping through the channels. She rolled her eyes and smirked at how he never failed to make himself at home. “Hey Carisi, I need to shower this day away. I’ll be right back. Just make yourself comfortable,” she added sarcastically.

As Rollins let the hot water cascade down her body, memories of the day came flooding back. She scrubbed and scrubbed, but she couldn’t shake the fear that enveloped her. The thought of screwing up her kids was always a concern of hers, but even as a cop she never considered the idea of being taken away from them. She began gasping for air as tears she didn’t think she had left begun mixing with the shower water. Her tears quickly grew into sobs she struggled to muffle. She just wanted the day to be over. Her vision started to tunnel as she rinsed her body, turned off the water, and reached for the towel on the counter.

She held the towel around her shivering form as she continued to attempt to steady her breathing to no avail. Panic struck her as the memories of Bucci clouded her memory. Eventually, she heard a soft knock at the door.

“Manda, everything alright in there?”

She froze. She was torn between wanting to seek the comfort he was offering and completely hiding from both him and her own feelings. “I-I’m fine. I promise,” she managed through her cries.

“Are you sure?”

On the other side of the door, a concerned Carisi paced. He wanted to barge in and wrap his arms around Amanda. He wanted to take her pain away, and he wanted her to know that he was not giving up on her. Instead, he stayed out.

“Yes. I um will meet you in the other room.”

Without wanting to pry, Carisi obliged and made his way back to his original spot on the couch. Amanda walked into her bedroom where she saw her favorite set of sweats laid out for her. _God, I don’t deserve this man_ , she thought to herself. More tears began to sting her eyes at the thought of Carisi patiently waiting for her in the living room. After pulling herself as together as she could and slipping on her clothes, she walked back to find Carisi who had Bravo (one of Amanda’s favorite networks) playing in the background as he absentmindedly scrolled through his phone. _Seriously I don’t deserve him at all_. She hesitantly made her way over to him because she was certain he was going to ask her if she was okay. She knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it. As she slowly took a seat on the opposite side of the couch from him, she let her eyes settle on anything but his face which was wrinkled in concern.

Carisi put his phone on the side table and took a look at her. He knew her. He knew her so damn well, and he knew she was drowning right now. “Do you want to talk about it?” He couldn’t have spoken more gently if he tried.

Without looking at him, Amanda started. “Today was terrifying, Sonny.”

 _She’s calling me Sonny. That’s a good sign_. Carisi was also worried their heated conversation a few weeks back hurt their relationship.

“I really thought Frank was gonna hurt me. He would’ve done it for his little girls which I can’t even fault him for. I didn’t know if I’d see my girls again.” She paused before adding, “and it would’ve been my fault.”

Without startling her, Carisi reached out and laid his hand on hers. “Don’t say that, Manda.” His touch was enough to get her. Tears started openly flowing again, and she struggled to control her breathing. Carisi moved closer, but he didn’t initiate any more contact between them. “None of what happened is your fault.”

“I lied to everyone, Carisi! I was too scared to say I was with my therapist so no one knew where I was. I’m a coward.” Carisi’s heart broke as she belittled herself. He hated how hard she was on herself, and he wished she saw herself the way he did. After a few minutes of crying, she made eye contact with him. Her eyes flickered from his face to his arms. “Can I just-“

“Of course,” he whispered as her body fell into his, triggering tears almost immediately. He held her tightly and let her tears slowly begin to soak the fabric of his dress shirt. “You’re safe, Amanda. I’m right here.”

After a few minutes of Sonny stroking Amanda’s hair, her crying started to subside. She never allowed herself to be so vulnerable with him, but she enjoyed being held. “I’m sorry,” she whispered just loud enough for him to hear.

“Sorry for what?”

Amanda pulled away from him and repositioned herself to let her legs drape over his as if it were something they did all the time. The arm that was draped over Amanda’s shoulders now rested on her lower back, and his other hand fell on her thigh. They both acted like they were so comfortable, but they were internally nervous.

“I’m sorry for our argument,” she said as she finally made eye contact with Carisi, much to his surprise. He let her continue. “I was wrong to say you cared more about your boss and for saying you walked out on me,” she paused before adding, “and for calling you stupid.” She replayed those words over the last few weeks and had guilt sitting in the pit of her stomach.

He gave her a light squeeze. “Manda-“

“I didn’t mean any of it, okay,” she cut him off. “I love that you made such a big career move. I was stressed and unfairly took it out on you and please know I don’t think any of those things. You’re not stupid, Sonny.” She spoke a mile a minute as she spilled her guts to him.

“Hey, look at me,” Carisi said as he let the hand on her back rub circles. “I don’t care about any of that. All I care about is that you’re safe and here with me. I know you were stressed and took it out on me. I’m sorry I left SVU.” He took a deep breath, “but I’ll always be beside you, Manda.”

The two looked at each other and for the first time in their partnership, neither of them had words. They just looked at each other and appreciated each other. Amanda wanted to do what she always had done. She wanted to run. She wanted to tell herself she didn’t deserve him, and she wanted to use any excuse she could to run away from something that’s good for her. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t walk away from him this time.

Sonny wanted to admit the feelings he had for her for the last five years. He wanted to tell her he had fallen in love with her and her daughters. He wanted to say he didn’t look at other women. He wanted to kiss her so fucking badly, but he knew she was hurting. She was finally letting him in, and he didn’t want to mess anything up.

“Thank you, Sonny,” Amanda said as she lifted a hand and gingerly placed it on his cheek, leaning her head closer to his. _Fuck it_ , she thought.

Before either of them knew what was happening, both of Amanda’s hands were on his cheeks and she was leaning in as slowly as possible to kiss him. Before she could, he gently took her chin in his hand to stop her. “Are you sure?” All it took was a simple nod, and he tangled the same hand in her hair to pull her onto him.

The kiss was soft and gentle. Both parties were able to feel the other’s nerves radiating from their bodies. In one swift movement, Amanda shifted her body from laying across him to straddling him. Carisi’s hand lazily dropped from her back to over her behind as they deepened the kiss.

 _Let her have control_ , Sonny thought as he let her take the lead. As much as he was enjoying it, he was terrified he’d mess something up. Much to both of their surprises, she was the first to pull away.

She stayed in his lap and both of his hands rested at her hips. “Thank you,” Amanda said shyly.

“Of course.”

“I should probably get to bed,” Amanda said as she climbed off his lap and nervously straightened up her pillows.

“I’ll um stay on the couch if you don’t mind. Just in case you uh need anything,” Carisi responded.

As expected, an awkward tension filled the room.

“Or you can stay with me.”

Carisi contemplated denying her request, but after almost losing her, he never wanted to be away from her again. “Okay,” he said as he stood up.

The pair walked to her room and neither ever looked back.

**Author's Note:**

> Please review, and let me know what you'd like to see if I make it a multi-chapter fic.


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